Guilt

There are all kinds of guilt in this world.  As a lawyer, it plays a variety of roles: guilt beyond a reasonable doubt, guilt by association, and well, my client is guilty.

Then there's the other kind - the kind that's seared into you as soon as you're born.  I was raised a Catholic and went to Catholic school until 4th grade and CCD after that.  Before doing something bad (like punching my brother) there was always a moment to calculate how many Hail Mary's I'd have to do after confession.  Then there's being born to Indian parents - god forbid that I don't constantly think about how much my parents have done for me.  I hate guilt - I don't like doing things because I'm guilted into it - that's BS! It's my life dammit and...uh oh, I think I just went back to high school.  Back to present-day.

Guilt as a mother.

It certainly started when I was pregnant - so much of what I ate, thought and did seemingly affected the baby.  Every time I sprayed my allergy spray I hoped it wouldn't affect her (despite the fact that my allergist said it was perfectly fine).  And don't get me started on the H1N1 vaccine; I lost count of all the emails between me and my pregnant girlfriends on its safety.  First I was going to take it, but Seth was absolutely against it.  Then he thought I should take it but only the kind that was preservative-free, which was of course available nowhere.  I finally took it (nope, couldn't find preservative-free), and well, so far she doesn't have a third arm.  Feeling terrible if I had to go hungry for more than 20 minutes was constant since I had a busy job.  And then there's what I actually ate - see earlier post about things I would never take for granted (which incidentally, I still can't enjoy a lox bagel - because now I can't eat dairy!).

How about guilt after baby is born? The first night after she came home I was a mess.  I was up all night with her because she wouldn't sleep or was just fussy.  And by the second day EVERYONE had a reason why, and the most common was she's hungry.  OK, well as her sole food source - whose fault is that? Mine.  Then everyone thought she had gas.  Well, what is she eating? My milk, so again my fault.  In fact every time she cried Seth's first question was "what did you eat?".  Nothing!  I'm not eating onions, cabbage, broccoli and I don't even look at beans!  Well maybe you're not eating enough! (courtesy of my mother).

But then I went into warrior mom mode - I started doing research.  And guess what? Newborns cry sometimes for no reason at all - they've come into this new, unfamiliar world where it is not as warm and cozy.  So all you can do is comfort them.  And what gives me gas does NOT necessarily give her gas - only things that enter my bloodstream affect my breast milk (hence why I avoid dairy - newborns can't digest a protein in cow's milk, which is why you can't give cow's milk until they are 1.  And some have an extra sensitivity to it and it enters breast milk.  I've noticed that Shiloh is very fussy and spits up quite a bit a day or so after I have a dairy-heavy item - pizza, for example . . . or you guessed it, cream cheese.  I will one day have my bagel with cream cheese and lox, dammit!).  But I digress.  My point, quite simply, is that I am not always the sole reason for her unhappiness.

So guilt as mother - I know it will be a constant in my life (am I giving her enough tummy-time? does she look at me differently when I leave her for a few hours? does she have issues with men because I was overbearing?).   There will be times that I give in to it; but most times I have to tell myself that I am doing my absolute best (or call a friend who will reassure me that I am NOT the reason for my daughter's screw-ups).

As for Catholic guilt, well that went out the window when I realized some of those priests have nothing on me.  And as for my parents, well, oh wait my mom's on the phone and she wants to know why I never call her.  Sigh.